My name is Carl and I’m a raccoon. And yes, I’m writing a blog post. Now this is not a normal activity for us raccoons. But a recent series of events has led me to hijack this poor girl’s blog and speak my mind. I must defend my species.
About a month ago, I was strolling about, looking for a late night snack. Eating can be quite the ordeal. It usually involves climbing into numerous trash cans and tearing through a ton of plastic before I can even begin sorting through the menu. So imagine my surprise when I came along a yard that had a whole buffet of goodies all laid out, just waiting for me to munch. Easy access noms!
I excitedly began running about the yard assembling myself a feast. I was about 3 and 1/2 bites into a delicious sandwich crust, when my mouth began to tingle.
Weird. Probably just eating too fast.
Then it got worse. My eyes began to water and my throat began to burn.
I blinked my eyes repeatedly trying to clear my vision enough to examine the chunk of stale bread in my hands. AAHHHHHHHHHHHH! HOT SAUCE!!
I had been so hungry that I forgot to perform my usual pre-consumption safety checks. My mouth was on fire. I chucked the sabotaged bread and angrily began spitting the rest all over the well manicured lawn. I had been duped. As I quickly made my way to the nearest body of water, it occurred to me that someone (some human) had actually taken the time to plan this attack.
Who would do this? After a few hours of googling, I think I found the culprit.
This fellow, Aaron Bleyaert apparently HATES raccoons. I mean he REALLY HATES RACCOONS. His dedication to the hatred of my species has even permeated his “professional” workplace. He runs the TeamCoco website and actually added raccoon to the profanity filter. I’M NOT KIDDING:
There are quite a few errors and fallacious assumptions in Mr. Bleyaert’s observations of my species. Therefore, I must speak up –for myself and for my raccoon brethren.
In his first post of hatred, Mr. Bleyaert makes a list of “facts” in an attempt to have others join him in his evility:
Let’s just all agree on one point: Raccoons are assholes. They are. There are many reasons: They tear through people’s garbage; they carry rabies; my friend Oliver carries a samurai sword when taking out the trash because he’s so afraid of them THEY’RE TOTAL ASSHOLES, I AM TELLING YOU.
OK. Let’s pause for a moment. Not ALL raccoons are assholes. That is just pure specist drivel. I’m sure you know some human assholes. But does that mean ALL humans are assholes? And yes, raccoons have been known to carry rabies. But so do bats, cats, dogs, skunks, foxes, bears, opossums, weasels, wolves, woodchucks, ferrets, squirrels, hamsters, rats, mice, rabbits, chipmunks, guinea pigs and gerbils. According to the World Health Organization, “Dogs are the source of 99% of human rabies deaths.” In fact, reports have indicated that Raccoons infected with rabies are typically non-aggressive and rarely pose a threat to humans.
And as for your friend Oliver, I’m sure the samurai sword works wonders in keeping the raccoons from attacking. But the only reason they run when they see him coming, is fear of being blamed when his dumb ass slices off all his own limbs. Samurai swords are not something to mess with.
Do you like raccoons? Here are a couple of factz that just might sway you:
1.) Raccoons are born with tiny burglar masks on their face. NATURE IS TELLING US THAT THESE FUCKING GARBAGE EATERS ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED.
Again, we’re not ALL untrustworthy. Yes some of us “steal” your trash. BUT IT’S TRASH! You’re throwing it out for god-sakes! Why the hell do you still need it?! We need to eat too.
Ooooh, tiny burglar masks, what a clever comment. You know, I’VE NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE. I’ll put aside the fact that they aren’t actual masks, (but stripes) and say that masks do not equal criminal activity. For example: a famous Spanish Nobleman, as well many noted superheroes, all wear masks and are known for fighting crime. Ask yourself this, how would you feel if nature had permanently painted your pastey ass with prison stripes, and then every jerkoff in the world tried to portray you as a bad guy when all you’re trying to do is just survive man?! JEEZ.
2.) they don’t have fingerprints. DID YOU KNOW THAT?! IF THEY COMMIT A CRIME WITH THEIR LITTLE SCARY PAWS THEY CAN NEVER BE CONVICTED BECAUSE CSI OR WHATEVER THE FUCK WILL NEVER FIND THEIR FINGERPRINTS BECAUSE THEY ARE RACCOONS AND THEY DON’T HAVE ANY.
Correct, we do not have fingerprints. But again, masks do not equal criminal activity. (see previous comments) And when exactly was the last time the police had to be called in to investigate a raccoon related homicide? Because there must be at least 5 episodes of CSI Miami with Caruso saying “You know what they say… (overly dramatic and unnecessarily long pause) …raccoons have no fingerprints.”
3.) They have opposable thumbs. What? Not scared yet? Well, think about this: The only thing keeping animals from shooting us with all our own guns is the fact that they don’t have opposable thumbs. I mean, pandas have em, but we all know that pandas are a bunch of fucking pussies. So whatever.
Um, raccoons do NOT have opposable thumbs. Yes, we have a high degree of dexterity in our paws, but our thumbs are not opposable. You must have gotten your information here. However, we do have super sensitive ninja paws that enable us to find food even when we can’t see it. And did you have to bring up pandas’ lack of aggression? You know how sensitive they are about that. Not cool man.
4) Did I mention that raccoons have like face rabies or mouth AIDS or whatever? BECAUSE THEY FUCKING DO. So that’s some shit that you don’t want to fuck with. They’re like zombies, but like animals or whatever. Just kill these fucking raccoons already – if you try to eat them, they taste like chicken with a strong “Chinatown Garbagewater” rub. Not good.
FACE RABIES? Mouth AIDS?!? (sigh) You know what –no comment. And I won’t even ask why you know how raccoons taste. Gross.
They’re being real assholes about this whole thing.
We’re being assholes?
Raccoons: The John Wayne Gacy of nature. What dicks. I mean really.
Eh, could be worse. At least we’re not the Jay Leno of nature.
And that’s about it. My buddy Oliver was right: Raccoons are shitbears. Seriously. Let’s kill them all. I CHALLENGE YOU TO PROVE ME WRONG. Do it. Otherwise, I will do everything in my power to kill raccoons forever. Fuck that shit. Stupid raccoons.
SHITBEARS?! Shitbears, really?! What are we, 9?! And your pal Oliver carries a samurai sword to take out the garbage –there’s nothing ‘right’ about him.
Well I’ve had about enough of this idiocy. I have proven you wrong many times over. But if you need more convincing, I can do it thrice. Just name the time and name the place.
I will leave you with this:
Sleep tight Aaron Bleyaert. Don’t let the raccoons bite.